Where Have I Been
As I sit here staring out of the windowpane in my hotel room in Istanbul, I can’t help but notice how sullen and overcast the sky looks outside. I know that most of you all have probably been wondering where the hell I’ve been. It’s been a while; I know, guys. So much has happened since the last time I have written anything on this platform. 2020 has been one of the strangest years that I have experienced in my life thus far. When the ball dropped on New Year’s Eve, I remember feeling hopeful for the intentions that I had set for myself for the year 2020. Never would I have imagined the type of year that was in store for us all. I have attempted to write this several times, and each of those times, I get too emotional to publish. So bear with me, please. I am not sure that I have come to terms with what this year has thrown at me.
I was set to do some traveling in SE Asia in late January and return to the states in early March. There had been news of a nasty virus brewing over in China. I wasn’t worried about it one bit. On the other hand, my family and friends were ringing me non-stop, asking if I was still going to SE Asia. My father, in particular, was worried about my health. He didn’t want me getting sick, rightfully so. We’d have chats with my Uncle Frank, who just so happens to be a doctor for the CDC, to get his opinion on everything. Uncle Frank ensured that I would be fine, but to take precautions. He said to wear a mask and use hand sanitizer, and to wash my hands religiously. Even though my uncle assured my dad that I would be okay, he was still very hesitant about me taking the trek all the way to the belly of the beast, or shall we say, near the beast. I want to tell you guys that I had no expectations at all for SE Asia. I couldn’t have dreamed up what these countries would be like. I was going in blind. My route would be to fly into Bangkok, cross over into Cambodia, and then make my way into Vietnam. After Vietnam, I would fly to Malaysia to visit a good friend who just had a baby and end my trip back in Phuket, Thailand. I want to say right here, right now, that my trip to SE Asia changed my life. I had never been away trekking and exploring any part of the world for the length of time that I spent in SE Asia. This trip allowed me the space to think and feel and experience things that were missing in my life back home. I felt so much better in my mind, body, and soul than I have in a very long time…actually since ever! I can’t honestly tell you a time when I felt that good. My overall sense of well being was elevated to a higher level. Anyone who truly knows me knows that my dream is to leave the United States. I won’t get into all of that here, but if you know, you know!
As time was winding down in SE Asia, I remember feeling a sense of dread in the upcoming days of my return home. I remember sitting outside on my patio in Phuket feeling melancholy while the breeze blew gently and the birds sang sweetly to me. I was having an inner dialogue with myself about extending my stay. Ultimately, it came down to me needing to be back in the US on time to attend Women’s Travel Fest in NYC. I got back on March 1. Women’s Travel Fest was on March 5…I think, not sure about the exact date, but you get my drift. I didn’t even have time to properly snuggle and inhale my dog before catching my next flight. I was still very jet-lagged, and it was freezing in New York. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I was returning home to the chaos of what was then the early stage of the COVID- 19 Pandemic. I remember getting a call in New York from Karina and her telling me that the governor was hinting at shutting things down and that toilet paper was nowhere to be found. I was like, what, where is it? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why are people freaking out here? No one was freaking out back in the Asian countries that I had literally just come from less than a week ago. I got back from New York, and the state of Virginia immediately went on a strict lock down. I made it back by the skin of my teeth. Maybe I was delirious, or perhaps I wasn’t paying attention, but within the next week, after I returned from New York, that state was the epicenter of the Pandemic in the US. Everything just felt so strange to me. I couldn’t even process my tip that I had just taken. Everything was moving so fast. One day I’m out trekking the world, and then the next, I am locked down and can’t move. At first, I thought, surely, we can get a handle on this quickly and return to our normal lives. Sadly, it is now the end of October and we are worse off than when we first started. When this all began in March, I was very hopeful. I was very much at peace and hopeful for what the future would bring. But as those weeks turned into months, and months, and months, that peace and hope has slowly turned into a gnawing feeling of uncertainty that keeps me up at night. There is no pretty way of saying this, but shit has literally hit the fan here in America, and I don’t know how to process it. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know anything. I am literally taking all of this one day at a time. You add social unrest, political tension from the upcoming elections, and a pandemic all together, and that makes a recipe for a disaster of a nation.
IIn the earlier months, when the weather wasn't so oppressively hot, Karina and I would spend our days doing work from home, taking multiple walks, cooking up delicious meals, baking, catching up on our shows, reading all kinds of books, and playing with Rudi. We were still hopeful that things would blow over. But as we rolled into the summer, I started to feel aggravated by the state of things. We still have more or less of the same routine, but we walked less and argued more. It was too hot during the summer months to go out. I was aggravated by everything. Even the thought of waking up early enough before the sun to catch a cool breeze by the ocean pissed me off. I used to love being by the sea, and now, nothing soothes me. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I was, and still am, in and out of the throes of depression. I no longer have the patience for the most minor of inconveniences. What has happened to me? I don't want to come out of this pandemic and completely lose myself. I find myself nostalgic for days when all was '"right in the world." Sitting up at night restless for the sound of the early morning birds singing to me sweetly in Thailand. I look through old photos trying to go back in time to a place that makes me feel good. I know that we never lived in a utopian society before this, but damnit, it wasn't this madness that we're living in right now. Hearing people say, "We're all in this together," is so vapid and useless…..I can't bear to listen to it!
I don’t like to complain because I know that things can always be worse and can still get worse. I am so blessed. I live very well. I have a home to live in, food to eat, and I am healthy. God is so good. I will always boast of how good God is to me. I may be having a hard time dealing with this, but I know that I have to trust Him and that He has the perfect plan for my life and for all of the other crazy things that are happening right now in the world. But I need the space to be sad and to be grateful all at the same damn time, because that’s just how I am feeling these days. Sadness and gratefulness are not mutually exclusive, in case you were wondering.
The one good thing that came out of this quarantine is that I was able to get certified to teach English as a Second/Foreign Language. As of now, I teach several students from all over the world via Zoom and Skype. My students are lovely. I treasure my time with them because even though they are learning English from me, I am able to learn from them as well through different cultural exchanges. My heart is always happy and full when I’m with my students. So there’s the silver lining in all of this. The world had to come to a complete stop for me to sit still long enough to take the time to complete my training to get certified for something that I love doing. Something that will open a lot of doors for me once the world opens back up. I also had the extreme privilege of helping my best friend bring her baby girl into the world on July 31, 2020. Baby Nora Adrian Ann was born during COVID times, but her birth was beautiful and amazing. Because of the pandemic, Crystal was only allowed to have one other person in the room with her during her delivery, and she chooses me. My heart is beaming with love and happiness and gratitude as if this baby girl is my own. She is the light of our lives right now during these really crazy times.
Sadly, guys, we are now in October, and the end is nowhere near in sight. America is now the laughing stock of the world and things just get more ridiculous by the day. I decided to get out of the country for a while and go to Turkey. Turkey has always been on my list of places to explore. Currently, they are one of the very few countries letting Americans in with out restrictions. I plan on writing about my time in Turkey and traveling during a pandemic soon. But I wanted to catch you guys up on where I’ve been first. If you’re reading this, I hope this finds you in good health and in good spirits. Please take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Sending out love and light. Until next time. CIAO
